In Which the Blog is Resurrected and I Give Advice to the Average RM

Hey y'all! It's been a long time - but I believe in repentance, so let's move on.

While I was in Orlando I started writing advice to my newly-returned missionary self. I'm sure many of you know, but I really struggled coming home. It was not my favorite thing, but I eventually figured it out. While I was a missionary I took comfort in the fact that while I felt like I had to figure my trials out by myself, I'd be able to help anyone who had those same issues later on. As I started writing all of these things down, I realized that I could help others again.

Now, this is not to say that these are the only issues RMs face, because that's not true at all. I'm also not saying that these are the best ways to overcome those trials. They're simply things that I wish I could have told myself when I was struggling the most. If you have any questions or I can help you with anything else, please ask. I'd absolutely love to help.

Note: I also wrote a blog post after coming home that was pretty excellent and goes into another struggle I had upon coming home - I wrote it in March of 2015 and it's called "In Which My Life is a Little Bit of a Desert, But That's Okay." You should read that one too, if you want to.

Advice for the Average Returned Missionary

It's Okay to Cry
When I came home, I remember crying randomly - in my room, while driving, you name it. It took me a while to figure out that emotions aren't the enemy. While I was in the MTC one of my favorite speakers said that missionaries should never feel bad about being homesick because it meant that they had a good home. Being upset when you come home just means that you gave everything you had and loved as much as you could while you were out, and that's something to be commended.

Keep Journaling
Missionaries are usually really good at journaling, but regular life people aren't. Life gets in the way and it's hard to find time to write down everything that happens in a day - especially if you're writing with a pen and paper. Remember how awesome it was to be able to look back at what you'd done, to be reminded of things you were sure you'd never forget, to see how much you'd grown, to have the small details and feelings there for when you needed them most? The same things happen in real life. You still forget things. You still grow. Keep writing it down. I journal in a google doc on my phone - it’s not the most ideal, but I found that it meant that I would actually write. Find what works for you.

You May Not Be the Spiritual Giant You Once Were - and That's Okay.
A member told me in my last ward that the mission is the time when the Lord brings you as close to Him as He can without any distractions, and then you spend the rest of your life getting back there with distractions. It's easier to be exactly obedient and focused on service when that's all you have to focus on - it's harder when everything else is added back in. The more I remember that it will be a lifelong pursuit, the more I'm able to get over my being upset about not being just like I was as a missionary. It's a different kind of life, but they're both wonderful.

It Takes Time
Remember when you were a brand new missionary and you felt so out of place and like you didn't have any idea what you were doing? It took some time to work through that, didn't it? Homesickness probably took some time to work through as well. It took me about a year to feel okay in my new, non-missionary skin and I remember feeling so behind when I moved back in with my roommates who had come home more recently than I had and were fine. I went through a whole grieving process when I came home, but it made me process things more thoroughly so that I not only was able to move forward from my mission but also take it with me as I moved forward. Give yourself time - it's not a race. It's not an indication of your character. It's entirely a personal process.

Find Your New Normal
The day after I came home I distinctly remember going through things in my room and feeling like I was going through someone else's stuff. I wasn't Sister Liljenquist anymore, but I also wasn't pre-mission Allison. I had to discover a new version of myself without the tag on, and it took some time. You may not like some of the things you loved before, and you may feel uncomfortable around people and situations that were normal before - don't ignore those feelings. They're there to help you make changes. There will be a weird adjustment, and you'll feel a little lost at times, but as you include the Lord in your life, He’ll help you discover the best new version of yourself.

Member Missionary Work Takes Things to a Whole New Level
When you're a missionary, you jump into people’s lives when they've been prepared and are ready for the gospel, and it's amazing. As a member, there's a lot more involved because you become part of the way the Lord works on people. I was frustrated by that when I first came home, but as time has gone on I've realized that it actually creates a much deeper love and experience and teaches lessons that you can't learn as a missionary. When you love people and help them step by step, you're more than just a missionary to them - you're their friend first, and watching a friend accept the gospel is one of the most incredible things you can experience in this life. You also get to see a side of the Lord’s patience and process as you work with people over time that's not visible in the short time you work with people on a mission, and it's amazing. I feel like I've grown even more as a missionary since coming home, which I never would have anticipated.

Give Yourself a Break
Stop thinking that you should have things figured out. Stop guilt tripping yourself for not being a perfect member missionary, or visiting teacher, or home teacher, or for not having deep, revelatory studies every day. Stop berating yourself for not being married, or for not learning the 16 languages you thought you'd have time for, or for any of the other 72 other things you think you're not doing right. You weren't a perfect missionary, and you're not going to be a perfect member - and you know what? The Lord doesn't want you to be. And He really doesn't want you to feel sub-par all the time. Talk to yourself like you'd talk to an investigator, because I can almost guarantee you'd never expect that much of them - instead, you’d be so pleased with their progress.

Keep Asking for Blessings
While I was a missionary I was given more blessings than the rest of my life, by far. One of the symptoms of my depression that I found I struggled the most with was difficulty feeling and understanding the Spirit, and I cherished those blessings because I was given insight that I don't know if I would have gotten on my own at the time. That doesn't have to end when you get home. The Lord cares just as much about you and your life and your choices as He did when you were serving, and He is just as willing to give you the direction you need, however you find it. Please don't think that He is any less concerned, because it's just not true.

Don't Demean Your New Work
It is really easy to look at everything that you do when you come home and compare it to missionary work. Helping your parents at home or going to school or working don't seem as important as going out and proclaiming His gospel, but they can be if you approach them the right way. Missionary work is very immediately worthwhile - you go out and work on very visible eternal work. The rest of your life is His work as well, but it's small and simple things that build the person you become. You are still your most important convert, and your life is important - if you don't spend the time working on yourself, you won't be of any use to anyone else.

Coming Home Will Be Different for Everyone - Don't Compare Your Experience With Anyone Else's
It took me about a year to feel okay with being home - it took my roommates a few weeks. I remember feeling so weak and emotional because I wasn't able to just move on like it seemed everyone else was, and I wonder if that guilt may have prolonged the sadness I felt about coming home. Everyone is different. Everyone's missions are different. Let yourself take the time you need, no matter how long it is, whether it's a while or not very long.

You Still Have a Responsibility to Your Recent Converts
A lot of the people that I taught that were baptized on my mission are less active. It's not fun, but in some ways I'm grateful for the chance I have to do what I can to keep helping them. I still have people to pray for, to think about, and to look after as best as I can. Your work is never over.

Be Careful How You Build Your Relationship With Technology
https://qz.com/1020976/the-scientific-link-between-boredom-and-creativity/
Technology addiction is a thing. This article says things beautifully, but just know that there are real consequences when social media becomes your source of joy and fulfillment. Be extremely careful about where you place your trust.

You're Not Supposed to Have Things Figured Out
When you first come home, everyone wants to know what your plans are for the rest of your life. You don’t need to have the answers. How does the Lord teach us? Line upon line. He doesn’t give us everything at once and expect us to run with it. You’ll figure things out, one day at a time. You’ll keep making mistakes, and you’ll keep growing. You’re not behind the game because you don’t know everything right now.

The Amount of Time Between Your Getting Home and Getting Married is Not an Indication of Anything
You may come home and find your spouse quickly - how amazing is that? It may also take years. I remember missionaries talking about how long it would take other missionaries to get engaged like it was an indication of righteousness. Righteous people get married quickly, right? That’s not how it works. Marriage is not a contest. Remember that you are looking for one person - one that you find and choose to be your companion. There’s something to be said for people who date often, because that often means that they are putting in the effort needed to find someone - but does that mean that the more you date, the better you are? I sure hope not, because dating is not my strong point. The Lord is still in control of your life, and He knows what you need. Some of us may need to learn with our spouse by our side, while others may need to discover themselves fully before they belong with someone else. Don’t lose faith. Remember what He has promised the faithful, because those blessings are available to all those who keep His commandments.

In Which We See Beauty from Ashes

   Almost three years ago, I heard a talk from Linda S. Reeves. In it, she talked about the Provo Tabernacle - a historic building that had been gutted by fire three years before. It was devastating to the community, and many were elated when it was announced ten months later that it would be restored and made into a temple. In that talk she said this:

   "My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally." (Linda S. Reeves, "Claim the Blessings of Your Covenants," Enisgn or Liahona, Oct 2013, emphasis added)

   I loved that story and promptly found a rendering of the design for the new temple, laminated it, and kept it in my scriptures so I could share it during lessons.

   That temple was dedicated just a couple of weeks ago, and it's been at the front of my mind since then. 

   In one of my classes, I directed a couple of scenes from a play called J.B. by Archibald MacLeish. It's one of my very favorites. It's a modern retelling of the story of Job where God and Satan are played by two actors named Mr. Zuss and Nickles, respectively. Before Job's story begins, Mr. Zuss, who is adamant in his faith, and Nickles, who is adamant in his belief of God's injustice, discuss Job's story, which they say is repeated over and over again throughout time. 

   It's not the most pleasant idea, thinking that the only way we can truly know God is by being burned to the ground - but let me go a little further. 

   The night of the dedication, I looked through some pictures of the fire and found myself crying - which is not normal, seeing as half the time I wonder if my tear ducts are actually functional.For some reason, the pictures of that burning building and subsequent destruction resonated with me. I've felt like that - when I was far from home, overwhelmed by inadequacy and crippled by depression, convinced I couldn't keep going. When I was a teenager with few friends, low self esteem, and even lower grades. When I was told that one of the most wonderful people I knew, someone I had thought I would have around for years and years to come, had been killed in a car accident. 

   One of my favorite pictures that I found was a painting of the Savior that had been in the temple during the fire, where everything but Him was black. 

   In the face of complete destruction, a literal trial by fire, the Savior stayed - He withstood the flames and was there on the other side. He wasn't loud, and He didn't stop the fire - but He was there the entire time. 

   I know He does the same for us, because He was always there for me. Always. Even when I was sure I'd been abandoned. If I had been alone, I wouldn't still be here. 

   I looked through more pictures and found even more parallels - reconstruction wasn't finished in a day, and it wasn't easy.

[I don't know if I'll ever be smart enough to know how put an entire building on stilts] 

   When the temple was built, it wasn't made into a cookie cutter temple - it wasn't changed to be what a temple "should" be. The building itself was adapted and made into something better. We are the same way - God doesn't want us to fit into some mold of a perfect person - He wants to purify us. He wants to get rid of all of the imperfections and make us as wonderful as we can be. 

   When I look at this temple, I see what I hope to become. I know I am not perfect, and I know that I'll have to go through many more fires in order to become so - but the beauty is that we can become perfect. We don't have to be content with mediocrity. Even more than that, I know that I am not alone, and I never will be. There is Someone who is always in control, who loves me more than I can understand - who loves me enough to hurt me. (D. Todd Christofferson, "As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten, Ensign or Liahona, Apr 2011)

In Which I Offer a Sheepish Apology and Attempt to Placate With Pictures

Hey y'all.

Long time no write, I know.

I'd offer explanations, but they always seem to sound like excuses, so we'll just move on. I'm cooking up some lovely posts, but for the time being, I'll offer some pictures to tide you over.

Eric loved my dinosaur

Ted got a letter from the prophet - it says he's going to Villahermosa Mexico

I played with puppies a lot

I was reunited with these goonies and we partied like RMs party. 

This kid was baptized and it was incredible

These ladies got stuck in this petticoat

DISNEYLAND. DISNEYLAND HAPPENED.

I saw the Dapper Dans and fell in love all over again

I partied with my besties

I saw and fell in love with this movie. 

I tried (and am still trying) to make friends with grumpy old man ponies

Ted got gradumacated

Opening night happened and then it didn't because the rainstorm ruined everything.

Second opening night happened, though

This kid came home, and I was happy. 

My mom ran a half marathon. I organized bags of runners' junk. 

There's more coming soon, I promise. Cross my heart. 

In Which We Find Tender Mercies On a Long Day

   I have a story to tell. It comes from work. I got a job - did y'all know that? I am not longer a jobless freeloader, thank you. I've made a return appearance as a Nice Pioneer Lady at the Pioneer village just down yonder. It's actually a ton of fun, and I like it a lot. 

   Today, I worked in a house where I haven't worked in... A Long time. This house specializes in pioneer chores, which means a lot of work, and a lot of doing things just to do them again about 17 seconds later. I was doing really well until about noon when I started to get hungry. Now, I'd pull the former Sister Hudgens in here for a testimonial, but I'm already a little sheepish about it in the first place, so you'll just have to trust me on this one. I'm pretty sure that the phrase "hangry" was coined after observing me without food for an extended period of time. It's pretty pathetic. I hated everyone and everything and wanted nothing more than to run away and shove any sort of nourishment in my face. 

   By the time I got to go on a break around 2:15, I had very specific plans to go to the break room, eat, and read my book. When I got there, there was a cute girl eating as well, and she started talking to me. I was a little annoyed at first, but as we kept talking, I started to loosen up. After a few minutes I mentioned that I had served a mission, and we started to talk about the church. It turns out that she has been thinking about serving a mission, but hasn't been active for a while. We talked a lot about it and I offered to read the Book of Mormon with her. 

   When she left, I almost cried. For the past few days I've really been missing being able to help people as much as a I did as a missionary - I still try to do all I can to help, but it just doesn't feel like it did when I was serving. I've spent all week wishing and wanting to do something more, and it just fell into my lap - and all because I had a late lunch. 

   For the record, I was much nicer after I'd eaten. 

In Which Comical Things Happen in My Life

Being home is a strange thing, and I'll probably talk about it until all y'all are sick of it. My apologies. However, it's also kind of hilarious, and for your entertainment I thought I'd share some of the funnier moments in this adjustment adventure -

- I still feel like everything needs to end with a closing prayer.

- I almost wrote down 832 as my area code.

- I feel the need to tell someone when I go to the bathroom.

- My bed is still made every single day, thank you, even if all of my siblings mock me for it.

- I have the urge to pray before I get out of the car.

- First names are still really strange.

- I really miss being stared at when I go out in public - I never thought that would happen.

- I went from a wedding to a rugby game last weekend, so I was still wearing my dress - and it didn't feel weird at all.

- All couples are weird. I'm still in handshake mode.

- Normal people don't make dumb missionary jokes - I miss my dumb missionary jokes.

- My flash cards with quotes to memorize on them send a pretty clear message that I'm an RM, apparently.

It's real. It may be funny. I'll get out of it someday.

Ted thinks he's hilarious

The Liljenquist Cuddle Puddle

In Which All of My Movie Catching Up Proves to Be Extremely Educational

Hello again! It's me. I'm still alive and kicking, and I'm still not a missionary. I'm still getting used to that one. I am pleased to report, however, that I have come to a point where I'm happy and comfortable here. I'm not adjusted by any means, but I'm all about the baby steps.

There are several cool things about being home. Sleeping is definitely at the top of that list, closely followed by spending time with my family and talking with people I haven't seen in a really long time. I'm also a big fan of catching up - music, TV, movies. Ah - I love movies. I forgot how great they are - absence makes the heart grow much fonder.

Now, I'm all about the life lesson thing. The more I look at my time in Houston, the more I see these amazing, incredible lessons that the Lord taught me - countless little golden nuggets, and I'm pretty sure that I'm only scratching the surface. I have a lot of faith that those moments aren't confined to the mission field, and I am bound and determined to recognize more of them in the real world. Because I love them.

What I wasn't expecting was to be taught the answer to one of my deepest questions by Professor Charles Xavier.

First, some background -

I went on my mission without a whole lot of knowledge about the world. I thought I was pretty mature, and I think I was, but I definitely didn't have the experience I may have thought I did. As a missionary, I was part of the "rescue effort" in each ward I served in, and I spent all of my time looking for those who needed the Savior. That meant that I spent most of my time with people who were broken, and who had deep issues that left me...floundering, honestly. I remember one afternoon in particular when I felt like everyone had dumped everything they had on me, and it left me feeling dark and dirty and weighed down - it was not a good feeling.

At the beginning, it overwhelmed me. I had absolutely no idea how to cope with it, and it broke me down in a lot of ways. As time passed and I learned more about the gospel, and especially as my knowledge, understanding, and testimony of the Savior and Atonement grew, I was more able to cope with everything. I knew that I couldn't do anything for these people besides bring them closer to the only One who could help them. As I saw all of this, my testimony grew, but I still didn't get it. I wondered more than once if it was worth it to love and help people when there was so much pain involved. I had a firm testimony that all of the trials we're given are for our benefit, but I wondered  how the Savior was equipped to handle every struggle that every single person would ever have.

This week my mom and I spent some quality bonding time catching up on excellent movies. One such excellent movie is X-Men: Days of Future Past.

For the record, that is a supremely excellent movie.

I kind of have to talk about the movie, so it may ruin things for you if you haven't seen it. I'm not giving away the ending, just the middle. But it's kind of an inevitable middle, so it won't ruin your life. At least, I hope not.

Charles Xavier is a mutant who is able to read, control, and influence others' minds. He's a really good guy. The movie is set in the 1960s during the Vietnam War and to make a long story short, Charles has started taking a serum of some kind that takes away his powers and leaves his mind quiet so that he doesn't have to deal with the struggles of everyone around him. There's a huge danger that needs to be taken care of, however, and in order to get rid of it, Charles needs to use his powers in conjunction with a machine called Cerebro. All of this comes to a head, and in a sci-fi moment, Charles talks to his older self. This is what ensues:

Young Charles: "You still believe?"

Old Charles: "Just because someone stumbles, loses their way, doesn't mean they’re lost forever. Sometimes we all need a little help."

Young Charles: "I’m not the man I was. I open my mind and it almost overwhelms me."

Old Charles: "You’re afraid and Cerebro knows it."

Young Charles: "All those voices – so much pain"

Old Charles: "It’s not their pain you’re afraid of. It’s yours, Charles. And as frightening as it may be, that pain will make you stronger. If you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it, it will make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It’s the greatest gift we have – to bear their pain without breaking, and it’s born from the most human power – hope. Please, Charles, we need you to hope again."

Do you see it?

Each one of us has that same gift - each of us has the power to help those around us. Those that are broken, those that are lost, those that don't want to find their way back. The greatest blessing of the gospel is that all of this doesn't have to break us. 

We have the gospel of Jesus Christ! We know that whatever happens, whatever happens, it will all work out in the end. There is always happiness and joy to be had. When we have that eternal perspective, when we have hope, nothing can break us. We can truly become disciples and representatives of Jesus Christ, and we can receive His power to do more than we ever could have imagined. 

Preach My Gospel says this in Chapter 6, which is about Christlike Attributes -

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you... When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement. The scriptures often describe hope in Jesus Christ as the assurance that you will inherit eternal life in the celestial kingdom." (Preach My Gospel, p. 117)

As I look back, I see that the pain I experienced has made me stronger, and I really do believe that it's given me greater ability to hope, and greater ability to love. I'm not saying in any way that I understand what the Savior feels, but I am grateful for his giving me the understanding I want so much - even when it comes from X-Men. 

Take some time to be more hopeful. Ask for the Lord's help in the trials you've been entrusted with. Go help people. 

It'll be worth it, I promise. 

Love, Me

These hooligans were married last weekend, I got to go to the sealing. Lucky duck. 

The Gilbert Temple is beautiful. 

Quisty and some of the companions - the former Sisters Cecil and Ogden came, too. It was a party. Literally. 

I was reunited with the Van Engelenhoven cookies. Words cannot describe my joy. 

This is the former Elder Frandsen and the former Sister King, now called Eric and Jocelyn. We went out to lunch this week, and it was super awesome. 

Then, when I went to FHE at the singles ward that night, I found this kid again. 

Indy and Sven like to hang out with me.

Nate loves Lisa

I went to dinner with these fine people last night, and it was also super awesome. I hadn't seen David in 2 1/2 years - insanity. 

In Which My Life is a Little Bit of a Desert, But That's Okay

Hello, y'all! Look at this - my first blog post from home. I really do like writing (and hopefully y'all like reading my writing,) so I'm going to try to post something awesome once a week.

Is it just me that still thinks that it's the strangest thing in the world that I'm home? People keep saying things like, "Wow, you're back already? It feels like you just left." I'm not sure how I feel about that. It feels fast, but I mean, I was gone for a whole year and a half.

My dad always told me growing up that the day you come back from your mission is the weirdest day of your life, and I always thought I understood that. Silly Allison...

My last few days in Houston were wonderful - we spent some quality time with the Mortensens and had the most amazing testimony meeting I've ever been a part of, and then all of the sudden it was Wednesday morning and Sister Mortensen was driving us to the airport. I don't know if I can adequately describe how odd it was to go from being a missionary in Houston, and even being a missionary on a plane, to all of the sudden being home again. I had the most wonderful welcoming party and have gotten to see so many of my favorite people since I've been home, and it was so crazy how it all of the sudden switched like that.

Being released was one of the hardest things I've done - he thanked me for my service and asked me to take off my tag, and in that moment, I felt so alone. Here I was, surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me, but all of them wanted me home, and I wanted nothing more than to go back. I really believe that the strengthening power of the Atonement helps us in all things - even something as small as taking a name tag off.

A few weeks ago Sister Hudgens and I had a chat with President Mortensen and he told us a story of a woman who crossed the plains with the pioneers. She had suffered tremendously to make the trek, and when she took her first look at the Salt Lake Valley...

She was so disgusted that she pushed her handcart off of the cliff.

Now, I looked for some sourcing on this story and couldn't find any, but it makes sense. Have you ever thought about how everything would have looked to someone who had just suffered every deprivation?

I don't know about you, but this is not what I would have imagined Zion to look like. It kind of looks dead. And dry. And not all that welcoming.

The point is not how it looked, though - it was the potential that it had. I probably would not have been one to look at this and think, "Hm. I think this will become a habitable metropolis full of people who actually want to be here." Brigham Young, on the other hand, was able to see its potential. This is what Wilford Woodruff recorded in his journal about President Young's first view of the valley -

"When we came out of the cañon into full view of the valley, I turned the side of my carriage around, open to the west, and President Young arose from his bed and took a survey of the country. While gazing on the scene before us, he was enwrapped in vision for several minutes. He had seen the valley before in vision, and upon this occasion he saw the future glory of Zion and of Israel, as they would be, planted in the valleys of these mountains. When the vision had passed, he said: 'It is enough. This is the right place. Drive on.' "

When he looked down on the barren wasteland that was Salt Lake, he saw something more like this -

Each of us will face times in our lives when we're asked to walk into our own desert valleys. We may have struggled long and hard to get there, only to wonder why in the world the Lord would give us something so undesirable as a reward. We may be lead by priesthood leaders who have a greater vision than we do.

In reality, though, how amazing is it that He trusts us to make something out of nothing? He gives us the tools we need through trial and experience, and then lets us go to work.

My life? It's a total barren valley. As my dear brother Ted so lovingly pointed out yesterday when my mom asked if I had plans today, I'm a little bit of a "jobless freeloader." It's frustrating, and there are a lot of times where I want nothing more than to go back to Houston where I knew what to do and how to do it, but at the same time, I know that this is where I'm needed. I have my work cut out for me, but how incredible will life be if I am willing to use the tools I've been given and work for it.

Go out there, people. Do amazing things.

Love,
Me

P.S. I got my Wilford Woodruff quote from this talk, and it's basically what I just said, but more in depth and more awesome because President Faust gave it.

Read it.

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=255

Elder Abadillo had to drive a 15 passenger van full of Sisters without his companion. This is his reaction.

Departing missionaries play Uno. Don't tell Elder McKell what Elder Larsen's cards are, okay?

Oh, my favorite Mortensens

On the way to the airport

There were 26 of us going home, so we basically owned this escalator...and the airport. 

Hey! That's our flight!

Sister Lusk, my fabulous airplane companion. Not really, but we felt better that way. 

FIRST GLANCE AT MOUNTAINS.

The welcoming crew. 

(If I may, I'd just like to point out that I may be a jobless freeloader, but Ted's the ho.)